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Nana almost had a stroke last night. Today she’s been struggling to keep her stress down. And yet she tells me I need to relax because I’ve yet to do so since I’ve been home.
I don’t want to lose my nana. My uncle and I are both still bothered by granny’s death and that’s been 15 years ago now.
I wish my worst problems were what to eat for dinner or what tv show to watch, but it’s never that easy. I am one strong human being.
A few days ago my sister was playing with her dolls and decided she was going to name them after us. She had them talking and playing and while it was cute, it hit a soft spot.
Had a really messed up dream last night and you were in it. It was one of those where you either wake up with tear stains or you wake up mad. I woke up with both.
Finding myself missing some things tonight. I especially miss being in a learning environment that excites me.I miss choir and NJROTC. I’ve been putting thought into it, and I’ve decided that I’m eventually going to get a music degree after my CS. The new quarter needs to roll around so I can cruise through these stupid core classes and move on to something I actually want to learn about.
“A mind needs a book like a sword needs a sharpening stone” - Tyrion.
I looked into the mirror today and was a little shocked at what I saw looking back. I knew I was changing, but hadn’t noticed how much I had until now. To put it bluntly, I look like a kid that just found out Santa wasn’t real and their parents put the tooth fairy money under their pillow instead of the tooth fairy.
Everything else is sorted out or in the process of being sorted out in my life except for my family’s situation, and even with that sort of sorted out too I find myself struggling with that extra hard tonight. So here I am to talk about it with, well, myself.
I feel like all eight of us are in a bomb with a timer set, and once it goes off we don’t know where we will end up. We are fighting an imaginary clock and none of us can see how much time is left. We can only guess.
I’ve been brushing it off since it’s not something I can fix but it’s hard to do when you see everyone in your house struggling in one way shape or form. Whether it be financially, emotionally, or physically. Some of us are fighting all three battles at once.
Since I’m no longer in college, I have to do something to help them out until I am prepared to take the next step in my life. For me right now, I have to wait a few months until enrollment is open again. I’m going to try and take some of the burden off my grandparents the best way I can until I can get a more stable job and really help pay them back for all theyve done for me. I have a job currently lined up, I’m just waiting for the paperwork to finalize.
For now, that consists of me sitting with nana and getting her medicine and ice cream and cold rags until she falls asleep because she has pneumonia.
I’ve come a long way already, and tonight I’m really proud of myself for being me. Im handling everything going on here really well and it’s slowly paying off. Everything is working itself out and I don’t have to hurt anymore. I’m really thankful for that. All I ever aim to do is make life a little bit better for the people I love and care for.
On a side note… if you’re reading this, I miss you too and I’m glad you’re thinking of me. I’m ready for this to be over with, too. You keep working on yourself. I love you.
|Artist: Ellie Goulding|
|Album: Halcyon (Deluxe Edition)|
|Song: Paramore - In the Mourning/Landslide|
|Album: In The Mourning [Live]|
|Song: Misguided Ghosts|
|Album: Brand New Eyes|
Tonight marks the first time since I’ve moved home that I’ve been able to listen to my music again. Every time I thought about it before a flood of memories washed over me and I was too upset to listen to it, especially Ellie Goulding and Coldplay because they both have vivid memories attached to them now.Some of these songs stab me right in the heart and I can practically feel it breaking all over again but they’re too important to me for me to stop. I am me and I’m doing the best I can given my life. Maybe I can pick my guitar up again soon without wanting to cry every time. “You escaped like a runaway train, off the tracks and down again… And my heart’s beating like a steamboat tugging all your burdens on my shoulders…”
I had a really messed up dream last night. Yeah, you were in it. I wish all of this would be over with already. I’m still waiting.
Sat in the living room and watched a movie with a few family members. Even though everyone was home, inside It still felt like someone was missing. My Khaleesi, my bubble buddy, and my sister.
I miss you.
"what’s a queen without her king?" well, historically, better