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I went to a friend’s house the other night and held her ferret- her ferret named Oreo. It was a combination of both the ferret and the name that gave me a bittersweet feeling, yet made me smile for that fraction of a second.Later that night we were at walmart and I bought these HTTYD masks and found myself wishing you were there to experience them with me. Yes, you cross my mind.
So as of today I am disowned by my mother. I knew I was going to end up alone anyways, unless my uncle decides to stick with me after my grandparents die. When they do die it’s going to be me and him; unless he kills himself. Then it will just be me.
where did the little girl go when the bomb went off?
|Artist: Ellie Goulding|
|Song: Hanging On (Edit)|
|Album: Halcyon (Deluxe Edition)|
I never got the chance to say it before I left the other day, but just because I am not physically there does not mean I am no longer in someone’s life. People don’t have to try and get used to me not being in their lives. It shouldn’t have to happen to begin with. If they do then is that not defeating the purpose of friendship? I’m still in it as much as I ask about it or you tell me about; I’m just not physically there. I know I went against this myself by stopping the social media, but Ill explain why: I don’t want to find out close friends are moving or enlisting or whatever via the internet. That’s why I have a cellphone. Major events call for a phone call or something along those lines. You shouldn’t have to miss me, but If you miss me, express it to me personally.
I’ve well adjusted already, though my memories are there in my dreams sometimes I do realize that they are just that, memories, and that they’re never going back to how they were. I was hurt badly, and Im still healing from it. I’m still heartbroken and a bit bitter, but it’s getting a bit better. I’m working on forgiving you.
Although on a good note I am happy to say I still talk to him on almost an every other day basis. That man Is truly amazing and I’m glad to have known him and grown up with him since the sixth grade. He’s just a great human being.
At this point, I don’t cling like I used to and I no longer have a home inside another human being. That is always going to be a mistake because they won’t be there forever. They’ll leave you, hurt you, or die 100% of the time. My home is inside of myself, and it’s becoming well furnished.
I’m not sure how this will be repaired but I know it will take a lot of work and time but for now I need to reevaluate things because I’m starting to give myself mixed signals and it leads to blunt, forced responses from my end and that won’t get this anywhere. I’ve been down this road before. I need to ask myself some questions.
I recently found the balance between knowing too much about someone’s life and knowing the bits that actually matter to me. This is why I stopped checking personal tags; I honestly don’t care about a lot of the things in peoples lives I used to get upset over and sacrifice things for and every time I checked it thinking id be on one I saw other people and I got upset or angry, so that went goodbye very quickly on my checklist.
Basically I’m no longer going to know who you’re fucking recently, studying with, dating or eating dinner with or any of that unnecessary stuff and trust me that is 20000000000% fine with me. I check my tag that pertains to me specifically every few days or so (since we are in that period of awkward forced conversation when it does happen) and I go on about my day without missing a beat. I find I’m a lot happier just not knowing.
On a final note, I was right about the effort part, but I didn’t realize how hard it would be to come into a conversation without a word to say on my end, so things do get forced. I’m beginning to think this is something we need to get over in person when we aren’t distracted by whatever is going on in our other lives, because we all know we have a school/work life and a home life.
That is all.
- love, Kayla.
I love Leslie knope’s friendship with Ann. It’s funny, but also healthy. She realizes she can’t replace her best friend and though she tried, realized she just can’t do it. Amy poehler is truly great at writing to make you both laugh and feel things.
I hate when people say “i miss you” when the only time they talk to me is when I start the conversation..